Yesterday Matt Turner Hung Himself
by Rachel Messina

Yeah, I know Matt Turner. Nice kid. He comes into the store three, four times a week. Usually buys a Nestea, Doritos, and a Snickers. And ah, on Saturdays he comes in here with his hockey buddies, probably about five of them, and they get Icees. Cracks me up, these kids and their gigantic radioactive Icees. C’mon, blue and green? It just ain’t natural. Whatever happened to red, or purple? Or good old root beer? I’ll tell you. They’re somethin’ else. But yeah, I know Matt Turner. What about him?
He what? You gotta be kiddin’ me. Naw, are you sure you’re talking about Matt Turner? Skinny kid with brown hair, kinda messy? He plays hockey, for the Demons or somethin’. Yeah, the
Devils, that’s it. He’s always smilin’, always joking around. Happy-go-lucky. No, there’s no way you’re talking about the same Matt Turner that comes in here.
Aw, Jesus. Alright, fine, alright, yain’t makin’ this up.
Aw, Jesus. Wait a second— ain’t you one of his hockey buddies? I knew you looked familiar. What’s your name, Paul or somethin’? Pat, that’s it. Hard for me to remember, you’re so quiet
compared to your buddies. Don’t you have any idea why he did it? I only just saw him yesterday. As a matter a fact, now that you mention it, he wasn’t his usual self neither. He was real serious. Like he was thinking about the weight of the world or somethin’. He hung around my register for a while drinkin’ his damn Nestea, not really sayin’ much. Then before he left he told me I was— how’d he put it— he told me real sincere that I was a “chill dog.” And he looked me in the eye and said thanks, and now that I think about it he ain’t never left here without a wisecrack, except for yesterday. Holy shit. I never woulda— man.
What is going on with you kids? I mean, when I was growing up, shit was hard. We all had an old man that hit us, we didn’t have no two-hunnerd plus TV channels, we had to work for everything we had— wasn’t no parent alive in this town that’d give their kid money just ‘cause he asked. We had bullies and outcasts and— and shitty families just the same as any kid today. But I never felt like my life was not worth livin’. I woulda never thought of tying somethin’ around my neck and— I just never woulda thought to do that. Fact, I’d a been afraid my old man would kick the shit outta me just for trying to pull somethin’ like that. Goddamn. And Matt Turner, he’d be the last kid I’d a guessed would do that.
#
When I was waiting for Brian to get there, I just kept repeating to myself, “You’re the youngest now, Kelly.” Do you know how many times I used to say I wish I could be the youngest again?
Mom would always be like, “Oh stop, Kell. You were only the youngest for three and a half years. You don’t even remember what it’s like.” This is true. I hardly even remember when Matt was born. I mean, I have some vague memories, but she was right; I have no idea what it was like. But I’d always say that because Matt had this way of just getting under my skin. He always knew exactly how to piss me off and I was so bad at ignoring him.
Oh god. That little fucker. I can’t get the image of him out of my head. When I close my eyes all I can see is the big white Turner number 10 moving slowly, back and forth— I’m sure your guys’ coach will be just thrilled that he did it in his Red Devils jersey. He’ll probably flip shit. But that’s what I saw when I went in there. He was just hanging from the ceiling fan. I went in there to make him turn his goddamn music down and there he was, barely swaying. The ceiling fan was creaking. There was plaster dust all over his bed. You’d think I’d scream or something, but I think I just stood there for a second. I don’t remember. The whole thing was unreal, like it wasn’t actually happening.
I don’t even know how I got him down, but I laid him down on the bed. I kept thinking, “He can’t be dead. He can’t be dead.” I guess it was sort of good that I just took CPR training in health class. Not that it ended up helping. His stereo was right next to his bed and I was feeling for his pulse but I couldn’t concentrate because the music was so loud. I remember kicking the stereo to the floor. I was alone. I had put my cell on speaker so I could give him CPR and call 9-1-1 at the same
time. They just kept telling me to keep going, keep the compressions going. Keep giving him breaths. Keep his head straight and tilted back. That they’d be there soon; that it would be okay. And I believed them.
But then when we were in the ambulance, can you believe one of the EMTs handed me his fucking— his— his fucking noose? I never even took it off him the whole time I was in his room— never even noticed it. And do you know what it was? Do you know what he used to do it? That little fucker used my favorite belt, the black one with the studs. My belt. It’s like he did this on purpose, when only I was home, used my belt to do it, like the very last thing he did in his life, he did to piss me off.
At the hospital I was by myself forever, waiting for my parents— they said I was too young to sign anything— and once they got there we waited for more hours, all so the doctor could tell us he was brain dead, and how long did we want to keep him on life support. We decided to pull the plug after Brian got to say goodbye.
I didn’t want to go in, but Brian tried to make me. When he got there, around 8:00 I guess, I was crouched on the floor outside Matt’s room, and he tried to pull me to my feet. He was like, “Kelly that’s our brother in there. You have to be there. Don’t be so goddamn selfish! They need us in there.” He would have made me go, too, but I threw up. It was like my body even rejected the whole idea, because I threw up right there on the hospital floor, right on Brian’s stupid shoes. A
nurse came over and started helping me, and she told Brian to just go in, that she’d take care of me.
I can still see the face he made at me before he went in, such a hurt, helpless face. I still won’t talk to him, because I’m kind of ashamed. I feel bad and I know I’m a bad sister, but like, I just couldn’t do it.
Especially because when Brian went in the room, for those  few seconds that the door was open, I heard it. The deathbreath. I knew that’s what it was— just like my friend Heather, the one whose mom had cancer, described to me after her mom died. It was awful. It was so raspy and painful sounding. Like you just wanted it to stop. And that’s all I remember, because as the nurse was walking me away, I passed out. The nurse said I was in shock. I think my body was just trying to escape all of this.
I don’t know why he did this to me. But I’m just glad Mom didn’t find him. I can’t imagine what she would have done. It would have killed her. Well, it would have been worse, anyway. Because I guess the truth is it did kill her. But at least she didn’t have to see his blue lips.
#
I just can’t understand. I mean, I took this psychology class first semester, and I learned that your frontal lobes are responsible for decision-making. I know they aren’t developed until you’re 25 or something. I get that. But still. How the hell did he think this was a good idea? Like any problem he had was so freakin’ serious that he needed to end his life. I mean, I thought we were close. He was like my sidekick. We were even Batman and Robin one year for Halloween. God, he must have been, like, four or five. Kelly was, of course, the Joker. But him and me, we were pals, you know? He could have come to me if he had a problem; I thought he knew that. It hurts that he didn’t.
My mom called me around 5:00, and told me to come home right away, that Matt’s in the hospital. You know, my stomach just dropped. I asked her what happened, what happened, and she tried to tell me but she just couldn’t get it out without sobbing. My dad ended up grabbing the phone from her and said, “Brian, just get here as fast as you can, okay?” When I got there, that’s when I found out what he did. I never cried like that before, Pat. I never cried like that about anything. And I still don’t even freakin’ understand why. He’s not unpopular at school, you know? He has tons of friends. I don’t think he was all that interested in girls yet either. I mean, I guess I was at thirteen, but what I’m saying is, I just don’t think he’d be suicidal over a girl.
People do that, you know. I don’t know if you remember that Jimmy Bates kid who suffocated himself in his dad’s car a few years ago. He was something like fifteen or sixteen. He pinned a note under the windshield wipers saying all this shit about how he was obsessed with his ex-girlfriend and that the only way he could handle her being with anyone else was to die.
That girl took it really bad, got mixed up with drugs and shit. Matt wasn’t getting into that was he? Yeah, yeah, I know that’s crazy. I’m just trying to understand this, you know? I mean, he didn’t even leave us a note. We have no idea why this happened.
I wish Kelly would speak to me. I can’t even believe you got her to talk to you. She refuses to let me in her room. I think she thinks I’m mad at her. I’m not. This has just been very hard, and I, well I need her. We need each other. Because the thing is, I get to go back to school, where I can be anonymous. Where no one really knows who I am, let alone that my little brother just hung himself. But Kelly has to stay here, where everyone knows. Either way, it’ going to be shitty, and
we’re going to need each other. It’s just the two of us now.
Well anyway. I better go check on my mom. Thanks for stopping by, Pat. I’m glad you came. It’s been lonely around here today.
#
So, in light of everything that’s going on, practice is cancelled tonight okay? I think we all need to take a few nights and, ah, digest this. Matt was our best player, so I know this is going to be really rough on our team, but we’ll get through it. But be prepared for some heavy practicing on Thursday. Alright, ah, take care.
#
What did Coach Benn have to say? Mmm, okay, I figured they’d cancel it. Honey, come here for a second. Do you want to talk about this? You came home late after school today and you’ve been in your room this whole time. I’m worried about you.
I just want to make sure you’re okay. I know Matt was one of your best friends.
Alright, that’s fine. We don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to, but can you at least just tell me where you went after school?
I see. That was really thoughtful of you sweetie, but you didn’t interrupt them did you? It’s so soon to be visiting them. I hope you didn’t bother them. Well, how were Kelly and Brian doing? Did you see Mrs. Turner? I can’t even imagine what she must be going through, my God. I’m not surprised you didn’t see her.
I saw Maureen— you know, Mrs. Howard— at the supermarket and she said that she went over earlier today. Mrs. Turner refuses to get out of bed, won’t eat, nothing. Maureen said she’s not even crying anymore. That poor woman. I don’t know what I’d do if I was in Mrs. Turner’s shoes, if it was you instead of Matt. I just don’t know what I’d do.
Alright honey, if you’re sure you don’t need to talk.
Wait, before you go back upstairs. I just want to tell you— now, no one knows why Matt did this, but sometimes people kill themselves because they feel like they can’t go on living. I don’t know if that’s how Matt felt, but I really want you to know that if you ever, ever, feel like that, like things are so bad that the only option is to kill yourself, that you should talk to me, dad— anyone— immediately, okay? Because I love you,
Patrick. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.
#
Woah, woah, wait. Dude, you’re thinking of backing down? Don’t you know what a pact is, man? It’s a deal—an unbreakable deal. You can’t back down from that. See, I knew you’d be the one to puss out.
Don’t you remember why we made this pact in the first place? The only reason anyone knows about us or cares about us is hockey. Nobody cares about anything but how many goals we score or how many championships we win. We’ve been undefeated for three years; no one can handle it if we even come close to not winning.
Dude, remember the way Coach Benn screamed at Adams that one time? Adams was playing like shit, and when Coach asked him what’s his problem, and he said his grandma just went in the
hospital, and Coach yelled, “I don’t wanna know where your grandma is! If you don’t stick this pyramid play I’m gonna put you in the hospital!” Remember that? And what about the time Robby’s parents tried to make sure we all got the flu shot so we wouldn’t get sick all season? We
couldn’t go to the Spirit Week dance because we were playing the Vikings the next day. Dude, hockey used to be fun, and this shit is not fun. Remember Matt said he wanted to quit and his
dad said that if he did he was grounded for life? That he had no choice? That’s why we gotta do this.
No I ain’t scared! And if I start to get scared all I’m gonna do is picture Coach’s face real big saying, “Pyramid…1-2-2… deep V… skate-skate-skate!” Then I’m sure it will be a piece
of cake. So are you straight now? You understand again why we gotta do this?
Dude, what’s your problem? You’re acting so weird like you’ve been talking to people. You didn’t tell anyone about the pact, did you? Alright good. I was starting to think you already ratted us out. Well— Aw man you talked to his sister? And his brother? Who else? Dude of course they’re upset.
That’s the point! Why should we give a shit how anyone feels if no one cares about how we feel, man? Damn, I’m glad we gave the note to Cohen and not you, dude. You’d probably show it to your mom.
Ugh, stop being such a pussy. Without the team you’d really be a nobody. Dude, you even said yourself, not even Joe from 7-11 recognized you today, and we go in there every week!
This is your chance to be somebody. Everyone is going to know us for somethin’ else besides hockey.
If you rat on me I swear I’ll fucking beat the hell outta you. They don’t give a shit about us. All they care about is our sport, man, and that’s it. Well, I’m doin’ it tonight. Me and Robby. All I know is you better not puss out. You have to do it tomorrow. Dude, you, Adams, and Cohen. You have to make the pyramid complete. If you don’t do it, you’re a fucking sell-out. And if you rat us out, you know we’re gonna kick the shit out of you. We made a pact. Red Devils don’t break pacts.
#
Hi, honey. You finally ready to talk?
Oh my— Patrick, I— oh my God! Alright, alright, it’s going to be okay sweetie. Oh, Lord, I have to call Mrs. Cohen. Then I have to call Robby and Chris and Joey’s parents. And the school! Just sit right there, honey. It’s going to go fine, don’t worry. I’m so glad you told me. You did the right thing.
Okay, just sit there.
Hi, Lois? Hi, dear it’s Maryanne, Patrick’s mom? I was just talking with Patrick over here, you know, we were having a conversation about Matt Turner and everything, and he told me
something just — just awful. Well, do you happen to have Alex’s book bag around? Patrick said there should be a note in the front pocket, yes. No, don’t call Alex just yet; I’m not sure
what’s a good idea at this point. You found it? Oh, Lord.
Lois, you may want to sit down while you read it.