Seeking Job Opportunity of a Lifetime
by Ali Cahill

Are you a company whose HR department is operating under the influence or is suffering from delusions of grandeur? Is your current workload so over-capacity that you routinely lose paperwork and have no idea how many resumes you receive on a daily basis? Are you looking for a writer/editor/web person at this particular moment in our country's economic meltdown?

Does the position involve "challenging," "creative" or otherwise unusual requirements – like walking the CEO's dog during my lunch hour, proofreading large legal cases, or updating all the SEO key words for every page in your content management system? Will I ever see my name in print, or will you just dangle that carrot in front of me until my eyeballs capsize and spurt blood all over the antiquated PC you'll be having me use?

Do you look down on college graduates because they don't have any "experience"? And am I going to need three years of experience in doing exactly what my major prepared me to do to qualify for your obviously-difficult, very important job as a receptionist, filing clerk or web writer? Are you going to inspect my resume, have me come in for an interview, tell me that I'm a "great candidate" and then never offer me a job?

Will I actually get to write? Or will this job be just another internship experience where I am stuck fact-checking all the mundane copy that no one else will ever even read? Or will I be running back and forth between Starbucks three times a day, memorizing everyone's orders and trying not to spill the iced caramel macchiatos while baristas flirt with me and I secretly pocket your money because I get my orders for free?

Does the position pay? Is it full-time? Or is it an unpaid or intern position that I am supposed to grovel for? Or am I to be overjoyed by acquiring life-essential hands-on experience, like how to operate a copying machine like a pit stop mechanic at a Nascar race or teaching the other people (who have been there for years) how to search for italicized words in Microsoft Word?

Is the position located in the city, where I live, and not those nasty groups of housing communities tethered together by long stretches of highway that are culturally void and offer only cookie-cutter houses stacked next to each other in an endless stream of monotony I like to call the suburbs? Is there public transportation out there, or do you not even know because you've never had to take the bus a day in your life? And do you expect me to come out there for an interview that could have been done on the phone, so that you can see what I look like and tell yourself that you're "gauging how well I'll fit in with the office environment," all the while costing me over $40 in transportation fees that you don't even bother to consider? Do you care that I had to walk down the side of the highway in heels for two miles with 18-wheelers whizzing by me at 70 mph? And did you know there are no sidewalks? Do you care that the "shuttle," as you call it, is really a bus, and it only stops here during peak hours? Do you understand what a "peak" hour is?

Can I telecommute? Or should I buy a car just for your job, so that I can spend two hours of my day commuting, then spend all my money on gas, insurance and car payments, so that I can sit in traffic at 7 a.m. on the Schuylkill Expressway so I can get to work early to answer the phones and field resumes from other college grads who are looking for work?

If this describes your company, then please read on!

Whether you're a small-time magazine or website trying to expand, one of a million staffing companies that is flourishing during this recession that thinks it can find me work, or a huge publishing company, I want to work for you!

If the position is entry-level or experienced, whether I am non-manager or managerial, I will do whatever it takes to become your star writer/editor/fact checker/copyeditor/SEO specialist/web content manager/editorial assistant/publishing guru!

I will learn PHP. I'll learn MySQL. I will install WordPress in every folder in your website's directory. I'll live in inDesign and Photoshop. I will work as many hours as you want, and I will put in 200% of my effort and attention. I won't check my Facebook or email at work. I won't talk on AIM all day. I will pay attention in meetings. I will show up to work every day with a mug of coffee in one hand and lots of important papers and ideas in the other – on time!

If you're a terrible company that needs an over-achiever with great communication and technical skills, dedication and lots of creative energy, please reply to the email address above and include your company's resume, cover letter, salary history and three personal or professional references who can attest to your company's overall brilliance. Or you can just call and leave a message on my voicemail and then never answer any of my return calls, emails or faxes.

• Compensation: $20-$30/hour
• Telecommunication is ok.
• This is a full-time job.
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.